Marry a millionaire, reveal your femininity and sexuality, get a vaccine from adultery and learn how to earn millions by working three hours a week - presenters of women's trainings promise everything that women only dream about.
Every week, dozens of master classes and trainings from metropolitan, foreign and local specialists are announced on social networks. And there, on social networks, a wave of discussion regularly rises about the cost and effectiveness of these activities, as well as the level of adequacy of women who visit them.
Relations specialist, gestalt therapist Evgenia Aliyeva told Life around how women's trainings can help and what they are useless, and what you should pay attention to if you want to solve problems in relationships and take them to a new level.
Hear each other
In most cases, problems in a couple arise from the fact that people do not hear each other and cannot agree. Sometimes it seems that this is because we somehow do not talk like that. That there is some kind of algorithm, some methods of interacting with a partner, thanks to which we can get what we need in a relationship. What is a magic pill. It is on this hope that a training system is built on a simple recipe.
There is a rational grain in this. For example, it is very important to understand that women in a relationship want one thing and men want another. Men are more specific: as a rule, they expect to receive loyalty, sex and support in a relationship. This is the main thing, according to my observations. And women, for the most part, know this, including through women's training. Men are also aware that women, first of all, are important attention, communication and material security. And it would seem, if everything is so simple, why do almost all couples go through a period of conflict, and many remain at this stage of clarifying relations and mutual claims?
The nuance is that all these concepts are very general, each person invests something of their own in them. For example, for one woman, attention is necessary to notice that she has changed her hair or put on a new dress, and for another, to praise how she cooks. One woman will be satisfied only if she receives expensive gifts, and another will prefer pleasant little surprises, the main thing is that this is often enough.
Business in love
In general, the role of money in love is worth a special talk. Against the background of a huge number of trainings in the spirit of “how to marry a millionaire,” women form expectations that are not quite consistent with reality, regarding the income level of a potential partner and, most importantly, how he will manage this income in a relationship. From a simple guy who starts a career with a salary of 25-30 thousand rubles, who is set up to start a family, is attentive and caring, they expect not only that he will be a good husband, but that he will provide courtship, restaurants, gifts and a beautiful life, like on Instagram. And it doesn’t matter that the girl who is expecting this has a normal appearance, is overweight, has a very poor education, and that she herself could give a man valuable in a relationship. And even more so without thinking that a man with a high social status has higher expectations: it is important for him to see a mature person, an interesting woman, and a reliable partner next to him.
And speaking of algorithms, I like to apply business approaches in the field of relations. I have a lot of managerial experience and experience in business, so I see the point in case of a conflict in relations to evaluate what is more important now: to agree or defend your position? Make a decision and act on this basis. This is a matter of priority. Whatever we choose, it may always turn out that one partner is ready to negotiate, and the other is not ready. This is sad, but it happens. And here we are not talking about hopelessness, but about seeing oneself and one who is nearby, without illusions. For example, a man is ready to provide for his family, but is not ready to help with the housework, but he is a caring person, but does not get along with my mother. What is more important? Is it possible to independently solve everyday problems and communicate with my parents myself, accepting from a man what he is ready to give? Or insist on joint cleaning and trips to mom to the country, no matter what?
If you see yourself with your pluses and minuses, see a partner, evaluate reality, you get the opportunity to talk and agree. Most couples do not even reach the stage of a balanced conversation, because they simply do not see each other, having very vague and illusory ideas about themselves and their partners. Now the trend is such a worldview of independence: let me accept and value me for who I am. This is wonderful, of course. But does each of us know ourselves? And is everyone ready to accept a partner as he is? Do not understand it, and understand yourself. Understand exactly how I am designed as a person, how interesting I am to myself. Then the partner can be seen with other eyes, such as he is. Then there is a sincere interest in the partner and a desire to really take care of him, because you want it, and not in order to get something in return. This is not the effect that should be expected from specialized trainings.
Such programs may be different. There is a format where the presenter gives ready-made recipes that should work. There are show trainings in which the focus is on overcoming some internal barriers and gaining new experience against the backdrop of an emotional upsurge. There are psychological trainings, and this is essentially a therapeutic group work. These are all very different approaches. And I'm sure that in each case, you can take something useful, to a greater or lesser extent. Since in the whole flow of information we perceive what we are ready for. Time will pass, a person will change, a certain growth path will pass, and in the same stream he will allocate something fundamentally different for himself. Therefore, in no case do I consider that women's training is pointless. This is often a good first step. When it becomes clear that something is wrong in life, changes are needed, but how it is possible to change something is unclear. And any quality training can give the necessary impetus. As a rule, after some time, and after a certain number of trainings, there is a need to understand your own, personal problems, to research your history. Why do the same problems arise in different ways? It’s difficult for a woman to admit that it’s not these different men who are to blame, but, probably, the problem is in herself. After all, she herself behaves the same every time, with different men. Because she does not know how otherwise it is, she has no other experience. Of course, this will not work out with this training.
For new experience
Therefore, often training programs become the first step to individual or pair work with a psychologist. When a couple arrives, more often the initiator is a woman and, as a rule, she has a very simple request: “Do something with him so that he understands me!” Of course, that doesn't work like that. Nothing can be done with another person. You can only change yourself. And ideally, a good psychologist makes the couple see each other, so that they begin to communicate with each other directly, and not through a psychologist. And in the end they decided: "What does he, an outsider, understand in our relations. We better figure it out ourselves." This is the best effect.
We are more complex than we think. And there are no recipes, especially in the subtle realm of love and relationships, which would be effective for everyone. Therefore, the best we can do is to examine ourselves as a person, and gently and carefully talk with a partner. And have the courage to get new experience. For some, this path begins with personal work with a therapist, where you can deeply study your own motives and familiar patterns of behavior and look for new ones that are right for me. And it’s easier for someone to start with trainings, where you can see how dozens of women act differently in the same situations, get some basic knowledge about the psychology of relationships and make important discoveries for themselves.